WARNING: It’s been a long time since I’ve waxed emotional, so if you don’t particularly want to read something that may come off poetical and a bit melodramatic, stop right here. I’ll get it out of my system, and then we’ll return to (ir)regularly scheduled programming. Eventually.
Adam left early this morning for the Peace Corps and Uganda. For the most part, I kept my promise to him and didn’t shed any tears except for some wiped away furtively in the dark and a few shed once he was out of sight. But now I’m having a little trouble holding it together.
But we’re mature, rational people. We’ve talked it out, flinging around possible outcomes as if the thought of some of them didn’t cause any distress. What will happen will happen. And that’s true.
But it doesn’t take away those moments between the words when I looked at him and felt giddy surges (of fierce pride and protectiveness, of mellow comfort and happiness) of love, so strong that I had to reach out and grab his hand, just to touch him. Those exquisite moments, when I could look at him and see the future, are what are hurting me right now.
But more than that, I’m scared. I’m scared that he will forget me. He was the one that said, oh so long ago, that all people fade from memory with time and little contact. What will happen when there is a two-year void? He’ll be a different person. I’ll be a different person.
So much could be lost in two years and three months. I’m scared that I’ll lose him completely, as well as other important people in my life now.
On some rational and sane level, I’m dealing with this much better. But at the forefront, it hurts and I’m just holding it together in front of you. My head is a mess and my fingertips ache.
So before you ask, I’m not okay. But I know I will be. Even if I barely believe myself right now.
We exploit our pain for various unspoken reasons, but I’ll be upfront with you about what I want: a little reassurance that maybe will help me feel better.
February 12th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
In times like this, it is important to remember that love is love. I know it sounds cliche, but love really is stronger than a lot of people give it credit for. So, don’t worry sis! Hang in there. Everything will be okay in the end. :D
February 12th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
Once upon a time, there was only one way to communicate with your lover faraway: hand written letters delivered by a bird （鸿雁传书）。 This might be a good opportunity for you to practice this ancient romance.
I can not wait to have you come home!
February 14th, 2009 at 12:43 am
I’m not going to pretend that this doesn’t totally suck. If this were happening to me, I’d have a really hard time not being bitter. Because when it comes down to it, no matter how thoroughly we discussed it as a couple, ultimately it wouldn’t be my choice what happens, it would be Charles’. And you can’t stand in the way because as much as it hurts to be left (for now), it would be worse to force someone to stay and have them resent you for it.
I know Charles and I have never faced anything as big as what you and Adam face. But in seven years we have been through a lot and there have been some real lows–especially my first year at Chicago when he was back in Savannah. So for what it’s worth, I’d like to give you the pep talk my dad has always given me whenever I was upset:
The only thing you can control is how you choose to react to these situations. Don’t allow yourself to be angry because it’s not productive. If you want things to succeed between the two of you, you have to forgive him for needing to see this out. You have make sure he knows that he can rely on you for support and love–because he’ll need it. When you find ways to communicate (no matter how few) make sure it’s a positive experience for both of you–the last thing you want is for him to ever hesitate when it comes to you. Be endlessly reassuring and reaffirm that you love and care about him every chance you get. You be his rock.
One of my biggest flaws is jealousy. If you’re like me, don’t go looking for trouble. If he loves you and he treats you the way you believe he should–just trust that nothing else matters. Simply choose to trust him because you’ll drive yourself crazy if you don’t.
And when things are hard, remind yourself how much you care about him, and why. Take time to remember why the struggle is worth it to you. But also make sure that you are complete on your own and secure in yourself. You have to be a whole person (and I know you are) and he’s the cherry on top. Be flexible and realistic in that things will not always be the way they should, but that whatever happens you will be fine.
And trust what you have. Because you’re brother’s right, love is really damn strong when it’s simple, and genuine and rooted in deep friendship. Even though you will both change and grow, if you keep your interactions positive and honest, you will maintain that friendship in the least. And even if you’re relationship isn’t as it is now, you’ll have one hell of a good foundation from which to build it back.
Also, who says change has to be a bad thing? Start out being an optimist, Jenny. And don’t sell yourself short either–you’re a wonderful catch and he’s been lucky to have you in his life. There’s no way he’s going to forget you.