Sometimes I go back and read things that I wrote a (long) while ago, and I’m (not to sound super pretentious or anything) vaguely impressed by myself. Sure, most of my writing needed lots of work, but I could see the improvement – the clumsy and then less-clumsy and then almost-elegant turns of phrase, the evolution of imagery. I remember when words would flow unbidden from my pen, when I couldn’t stem the tide of ideas; now it’s a struggle to drag the words forth to even write a blog post. I actually think the lapse in reading/writing disappoints me the most.

I’m trying to come up with ways to help myself along, but I can’t even figure that out. Le sigh. Any thoughts?

But without waxing too eloquent, here’s a breakdown of the major things (that I can remember at this particular moment) that have happened this year:

• survived MS1 (so far)
• became (almost, sort of) a homeowner
• got engaged by the Boy :)

I like that last one best, if you couldn’t tell.

Obviously these things require a bit of elaboration. But I have a couple exams coming up, so at the risk of being one of those annoying people that just leave you hanging for FOREVER (coughcough) after promising you a good story, I’ll update when those are over. Or at least the first one. Or something.

Promise.

I’m slowly going through my deck of anatomy flashcards in an attempt to get a jump of the immense amount of memorization I’m going to have to do this coming year. And really, with each passing card, I become more and more… content. A strange kind of peace fills me as I’m looking at these beautiful, familiar-yet-foreign words, words that bring a lovely order to the swooping lines and compartments and, well, parts of the human body. Some of them sound like spells - levator costarum. Some of them suggest music – clavicle. Others describe structures that I didn’t even know were structures, a line here, a ridge there – points of connection like the serratus anterior tubercule, or homages to evolution like the lingula. As I read them in my head and taste them in my mouth, my fingers try to find the pieces on my own body, touching the tip of my scapula, tracing my sides as if I could feel the intercostal muscles through layers and skin and fat and fascia. It’s calming and meditative and right.

As I become more and more accustomed to the idea of moving to Dallas in the fall, I’m also becoming more and more excited for medical school.

Back from Europe! Well, actually Sqm and I got back Sunday evening. Our  flight from Munich was supposed to arrive at O’Hare at 3 in the afternoon, but there was a five and a half hour delay due to a missing airplane part (we got in around 9:30 PM). Did I mention I really don’t like United Airlines?

In any event, Europe itself was lovely! Expensive, but lovely and a lot of fun. I met (slash nearly missed) Sqm in Munich at the central subway station (Hauptbahnhof), we found a place to live, and then he proceeded to give me a three hour walking tour of old town, which is gorgeous and filled with grand old churches and plenty of tasty looking/smelling food. We had Munich’s famous white sausage, made from veal, and pretty much chilled out for a day and a half before hopping over to Paris.

Ah, Paris. For the most part, I love Paris. I love the historical landmarks mixed with modern structures. I love the two or three bakeries along every block. I love the fact that there is always something to do or something to see. I don’t love that it’s very, very pricey to visit.

But in any event, we stayed in Paris for a few days. The first evening we were in Paris, fresh from Munich, we ended up sitting in the courtyard outside the Notre Dame until about 10 PM. It was really, really awesome. We got to see the church without the massive crush and queues of tourists, and we got a free show out of the deal. A lot of street performers came out just around dusk and started setting up various spectacles. The main group that we watched used a lot of fire (twirled on huge staffs, bolases, and hula hoops – Sqm especially enjoyed the hula hooping mostly because of the cute little gypsy girl doing the hula-ing). There were also several clowns and a tightrope walker and musicians. All in all, pretty spectacular.

The next day, we mostly walked around the Latin Quarter and went down to see the Bastille (which, in case you didn’t know [because we didn't], is not a building, but a monument of sorts). We were also looking for a new place to live because the first hotel we were in had to kick us out after two nights. Other than that, we had a little mini-picnic outside of the Notre Dame again and people-watched for a bit.

Then came the Louvre. I love the Louvre. There really isn’t anything I can say about it except that it is absolutely massive. Usually,  people can only process a museum for about 3-4 hours before just becoming mentally and physically exhausted. Most of the time tthough, that isn’t a problem. But it’s impossible to make it through the entirety of the Louvre in 3-4 hours. We skipped the popular tourist  exhibits (we had both seen them before), such as the Mona Lisa and the Venus de Milo, and focused on the large oil masterworks, Greek/Roman/Etruscan/Egyptian statuary and antiquities, and early Iranian/Mesoptamian artifacts. I specifically wanted to see the Code of Hammurabi again because I just think that it’s really cool – I mean, it’s one of the first written codices of law used to govern a population, effectively a written set of rules that even a king couldn’t change. Afterwards, exhausted, we went back to the hotel and collapsed for the evening.

The next day was probably one of the best days ever. We just decided to chillax, so we foraged around and got a couple of baguettes, some sliced meats, cheese, and eclairs. Then we took the metro over to the Jardin du Luxembourg, which is a huge public park. We grabbed a couple of chairs and then just hung out all afternoon, chatting, reading, and listening to music. It was lovely.

Unfortunately, the loveliness couldn’t last. The next day was the Day of Disappointment Cake. Everyday that we strolled down the street we lived on, we would pass this cute little bakery with some of the most delicious looking cakes and pastries I had ever seen. So we decided to go in and get a little piece of cake (4 euros) each. And because it was such a pleasant little place, we opted to sit at the cafe and eat, ordering a couple coffees to go with the cake. Little did we know, but you are charged a “sitting down” fee if you decide to eat in. And our coffees were apparently ABSURDLY priced. Ultimately, we ended up paying around 20 euros total for two small pieces of cake and two smaller than small coffees. This was a fail of epic proportions – a ridiculous amount of money for not very much at all. The Disappointment Cake put a damper on the rest of our day. After we saw the amazing Museum National d’Histoire Naturelle (we only saw the Halls of Paleontology and Comparative Anatomy), we spent the rest of the afternoon cranky and listless.

However, the day was saved by Michele, a friend of DP. She invited us over to her beautiful home (a terrace with an apricot tree! a view of the Eiffel Tower!) for dinner, which was an absolutely spectacular French spread. We started with some nice, salty olives, cheese twists, and salami, served alongside a bit of champagne and sparkling water. Dinner was a grand affair, starting with a foie gras stuffed pate (so absurdly rich and delicious) and bread, continuing on to duck a l’orange and noodles (served with a smoky red wine), followed by a cheese course and a simple salad, and finally concluding with some little individual chocolate cakes. Afterwards, Michele and her daughter Pauline took us on a night tour of some of the sights of Paris, like the light show on the Eiffel Tower, before dropping us off back at our hotel.

We flew back to Munich the next day and spent the afternoon eating cherries (only 2 euros for half a kilo!) and ice cream and hanging out. More museums followed over the next couple of days. One entire day was devoted to the Deutsches Museum, which is basically the Louvre of science and technology – it’s eight stories (including ground and underground floor) of displays about everything science, including pharmaceuticals, chemistry, physics, energy, transport, and lots of things I’m forgetting right now. We barely made it through one and a half floors during four hours. Definitely planning to go back at some point to see the rest of it…

For our last full 24 hours in Europe, we walked through the Alte Pinakothek, a great art museum devoted to classic masters of art. They had one of the first paintings by da Vinci, the Madonna of the Carnation, painted when he was something like 21 or 22 (according to the audio tour) and already showing one of his characteristic techniques, sfumato. Additionally, the museum had a great number of Rubens‘ paintings (check out the Lion Hunt, for which they also had oil sketches, and the Rape of the Daughters of Leucippus – sorry for the crappy quality image links), which are spectacular. And that’s not to mention the Boticelli, the multiple works by Anthony van Dyck, and the pieces by Albrecht Durer. An amazing, amazing place to be.

The rest of the afternoon was mostly devoted to souvenier shopping. We had a great traditional Bavarian meal at the Augustiner beer house. Sausage is delicious (that’s what she said)! Then came three scoops of ice cream (including a scoop of ice cream flavored by Ferrero Rocher) and attempts to pack and sleep.

Europe ended with the aforementioned United delay, which sucked a bit, but really, it wasn’t that terrible in the airport.

Whew. Long, long saga. I’ll update about more current life soon-ish, but I thought I’d at least throw up the European adventure.

The reasons for his leaving the Peace Corps are many and varied and have to do with administration and some personal angst, but you can read about it here (at least the first part so far). It’s probably better to get his perspective instead of hearing my extremely biased speculation. All that really matters to me is that he got himself out of a mentally-damaging situation that would have made him miserable for two years. I’m disappointed that the Peace Corps didn’t turn out to be what he thought it would be, but I can’t really articulate how amazingly happy it makes me that he’s close by now.

He actually came into Chicago this past Saturday – he flew from Brussels to O’Hare. Funnily, for the three nights prior, I kept having the recurring dream that he would show up on Saturday. I kept telling myself how improbable that would be (his leaving was supposedly just a possibility, not a certainty, at that point), trying to talk my hopes down, but that didn’t really work at all. So LotR and I went to Summerbreeze (carnival on the quads) to be outside, eat disgustingly delicious fair food, and generally help me de-stress. Around 3PM, I started to head back home, taking a different route than usual. When I get to my front door, I see two giant pieces of luggage.

For a few minutes, I was largely convinced that I was hallucinating. I cautiously inspected the bags (A Coster, Brussels to O’Hare). Then after assuring that he wasn’t hiding somewhere in the stairwell, I dragged the bags (all his earthly possessions) inside and tiptoed around the apartment throwing open closet doors to see if he was hiding (which is really dumb, since he doesn’t have keys). Then I call LotR with my voice close to hysterics, basically crying, and tell her what’s going on. I’m stressed like you would not believe. I’m also chatting with JBlaise on G-chat, partially to reassure myself that I wasn’t losing my mind. Both tried to talk me down a bit, but admitted that either the Boy had to be around or someone was playing the cruelest practical joke ever.

Finally, after another agonizing half hour or so, he showed up on my doorstep. And then I don’t really need to give you any details (although we later surprised Sqm and tBM, who were coming to visit partly because Sqm was flying out to Georgia – the country – Tuesday; Stoz was there too, but he was in on the surprise).

Best. Birthday. Ever.

The Boy stayed with me for a week; he left this afternoon to go back to IA for a stint. He’s going to try to go back and forth between Chicago and Cedar Falls, where (wait for it…) he and Stoz are planning to start their own computer company, Mind Forge Technologies. It’s an ambitious project, I’ll grant you, but I can’t think of two more capable people to be undertaking such an endeavor. If you’re in the market for a new computer… just a thought.

Anyway, it’ll be kind of interesting to see how everything will play out. I mean, I’m not going to be in Chicago or IA for medical school, so… It’s sort of useless to think about this now, I guess, but having thought about our relationship almost non-stop for about three-ish months now, it’s kind of difficult to turn off the subconscious, constant muttering in my head, but I just keep telling myself, “Hey, at least he’s not in Africa.”

So after a five hour train ride (during which I should have graded papers, but did crossword puzzles instead), we ended up in Ottumwa, where we were collected by tBm. She took us home (after taking us to a tractor supply store so I could buy a pair of wellies – black and white houndstooth because why not?) and then fed us, for which we were immensely grateful because, being the smart UChi grads that we are, all we packed for the trip, which we knew would run through dinner time, was chocolate.

We went to bed relatively early and spent most of the next day with the Boy’s father (tBf) and Domestic Partner (DP) [aside: I have a feeling I'm going to lose track of all of my little nicknames and abbreviations...]. We hit up a kitschy, but delicious (cinnamon roll french toast – YUM), little diner that serves breakfast all day and then went back to tBf and DP’s lovely and gorgeous home for ice cream and episodes of Absolutely Fabulous, which is very hilarious, very British, and very budget (in a, well, absolutely fabulous way). I also got a little guided plant tour through tBf’s garden, which is amazing and which always makes me want to plant things (got loads of lovely pictures out of it too). Then we went back to tBm’s house, played around on the piano for a bit, and got ready for dinner, which was to be a relatively large affair (both Stoz’s and Howard’s birthdays were this past week) with lots of pizza, more ice cream (accompanied by angel food cake), and some extended family. I also finally got to meet Stoz’s new gf, who is a very tall and very lovely Indian tennis player. She handled the whole meeting-the-entire-family-in-one-go method of gf introduction in the Coster clan very well.

The next day was the appointed day of shadowing Tom. And let me tell you, we saw a lot of really cool gross (and often bloody) things. We started our day with a prolapsed vagina on a pregnant heifer. Then we went to prolapsed-vagina-farmer’s brother’s farm for a lame cow, who ended up having some sort of toe abcess. He needed some antibiotics, which came in the form of huge (seriously, HUGE) white pills (and this cow had to take five of them). Then we headed back to the clinic where we saw a cat with a huge abcess on its face. Nate, one of the other vets, stabbed the abcess with a scalpel, causing the thing to literally fountain pus and blood (mostly pus – stinky, stinky pus). After this, we promptly went to lunch.

Afterwards, we saw a horse, who just needed some routine vaccinations (pretty boring after the pus fountain). Then came a pair of two month old goats – so adorable! LotR held them for sedative and anesthetic and I monitored breathing once they were under. They both needed to be dehorned, which is a horrifyingly bloody process, but which is necessary and is normally non-traumatic (you’re supposed to do it when they are wee babies). After this gory incident, we trekked out to a dairy farm that had a cow that needed surgery. Along the way, we stopped and watched Tom perform a pig autopsy. Anyway, the cow. Apparently the third stomach, which is supposed to be in the lower right part of the abdomen, managed to get a twisted up into the upper left part of the abdomen or this cow. Tom had to make an incision large enough to put his arm into and stitch the stomach down where it was supposed to go. To do this, he put a series of stitches into the stomach itself, stuck his arm into the cow and poked the needle out the other side with LotR’s guidance. I rounded out my day bottle-feedng a little calf. Also, everyone loved my boots. Just thought I’d throw that in there.

The next day, another five-ish hour train ride later (I did grade some papers this time), we were back in Chicago.

This week, save for massive amounts of grading, has been pretty relaxed and short (I guess we did just get back on Tuesday). I have the routine largely down, although I’m trying to add “hitting the gym” to my list of things to do (especially since I spent four days eating ice cream, more ice cream, pie, and then more ice cream).

Next, I’ll do an update on the Boy.

First and foremost, I’m back in Chicago! I’m extremely happy about this state-of-being, because the south just doesn’t seem that natural and homey anymore. I mean, why on earth is it eighty-something degrees in March? That just doesn’t make any sense. Give me the good ol’ changing seasons (even the bitterly cold winters about which I will lovingly gripe) anyday. I prefer it to the absurd three month “winter” followed by nine months of ridiculously hot summer. I’ve basically come to the mental conclusion that I’ll ultimately end up settling somewhere in the north.

Thus far Chicago has been fun and welcoming. We had a few slushy/snowy days, but all of the slush/snow melted before it could really annoy anyone. My place is as I remembered it, although it is a bit strange living here by myself now. Stranger still since some of the Boy’s stuff was still here when I got back.

I’m trying to make it so that I don’t have too much time to dwell on that though. I’m TAing four classes this quarter to that end – I’ll be busy, but not crazy busy like I was when I was actually going to school. My schedule is pretty consistent and leaves plenty of time for hanging out with LotR and anyone else who might be around. I imagine there will be a lot of “team building” with MJ and AH too. LotR and Em and I are also making crazy ambitious weekly dinner plans. So we’ll see about all that…

In addition to a roaring social life (haha), I have pretty high aspirations this quarter. I want to try to brush up on my Russian and Spanish, as well as pick up some French. And practice piano. And probably a whole host of other things. We’ll see how many things actually get done, but I certainly can’t complain of boredom or not having enough to do since I’m giving myself so many options. Theoretically, at least.

No word yet from the med schools. I have no idea what’s going on there, but it reassures me a lot to have so many wonderful people on my side providing plenty of emotional and professional support. It also helps that I have a pretty solid back-up plan in place – I don’t necessarily want it to come to that, but it’s always nice to know it’s there.

And finally, to round out this huge and rambling update, I wish I could say it was getting easier. But it’s not.

I’ll try to make an honest effort to update a little more regularly. My previous efforts, while not mendacious in nature, were pretty half-assed. So this time, it’ll be honest and full moon (snrk). Or something like that.

Not much else is going on here. I was mostly awaiting this day and killing some time until it came. I’ve been talking to the Boy regularly, which is really such a nice luxury. Training is going rather too slowly for his liking. There seems to be a lot of frustration and inefficiency with how the training system is set up. But knowing the Boy, I’m sure that he’ll revolutionize it or something equally as dramatic before he leaves. He’s gotten to teach a bit already, to test the waters while supervised, and it sounds like he’s had very rewarding experiences. I still find it amazing that so many other countries (I would venture to say most), including Uganda, still teach by rote instead of by critical thinking. So the cultural barrier is the hardest one to overcome, since we expect our students in the states to participate and speak up in class. This kind of behavior isn’t usually encouraged in many other countries, so some of the children the Boy was working with were intimidated by the idea of having to respond in class. Sounds like he’s enthusiastic about tackling this challenge though.

I’m happy and a bit confused and a bit of several other things. I’m also extremely optimistic and relieved and so very, very hopeful.

We talked until the connection got really spotty and severed again and he went to bed. He’s been extremely busy, as expected. And he’s actually staying with a family that gets some electricity in the evenings. There are also internet cafes in a few places, although they might not be worth it since apparently it takes over 8-10 minutes to load Gmail. We talked about the bugs (of which there are many, and none of them are nice), some of the domestic politics (polygamy, and the host mothers all think that the appearance of the PCVs represent how well they are being taken care of – some have gone so far as to keep track of what the PCV has worn already, and not letting them leave the house if they have on a duplicate outfit), training (the Boy has to learn two languages, not one), and several other things. He sounds like he’s doing well and having a good time; he went out for beers with some of the other PCVs the other night.

It was mentioned that packages (anything in boxes) are expensive for them to pick up what with customs and whatnot, so they might not really be possible after the training period is over. Also, mail is kind of difficult to get too, since they aren’t in Kampala proper, and someone has to run over there to pick up all the letters. After training, it might get even worse.

But we have phone. And that’s more than I could have hoped for.

So I’m sitting here feeling multi-faceted, complicated, and conflicting nameless mood(s). I’m playing an extremely eclectic, random selection of music too, to fit my mood(s) and to have some background noise for the pseudo-monthly computer clean out, keeping my mind off goodbyes and distance and all of that stuff, as well as trying not to be too anxiety-ridden by the whole med school mystery. While I was digging through a documents folder, I found this little ditty.

It’s a little rough and needs a touch of editing, but I thought it was pretty apt. I actually remember writing this. It was written shortly before I went to IA to visit the Boy for the first time. (And, as a side note, “drinking” at the end of the poem should be read as an adjective, not a verb.)

a sketch from memory

warm baritone/tenor purrs across skin.
voice rippling in real, gritty tones
edged to polished diamond sharpness, but
rough around the edges, raw,
soothing in blunt tangibility,
a surprising warmth with no pretense,
and a melody tripped in trailing musical words,
flat, sharp, discordant, harmonious
but natural.

I can hear the smile before I see
that mouth, that beautiful mouth that forms it.
firm with stern stubbornness, simple, effortless authority,
but soft and sweet, all hard lines gone and replaced by
delicious appeal.
lips rain kisses unyielding, possessing, but
at the dawn, gentle and puffy with sleep.
reminder of cloves and coffee
of early nights that turn into late mornings
with no promises and no strings attached.

the feel of a lingering, overlooking gaze,
heavy with the weight of non-judgment
but not of acceptance.
cut winter sapphire that looks and sees;
gorgeous eyes I have been captured in.
there is a frost shielding the fire,
as grave as a first snow,
smoke curling through light,
pinpricks of darkness in lakes of ultramarine.

firm and knowing caresses across breathlessness.
quiet insistence to forget all boundaries
dares me to forget the same.
ready, precise, accurate
fingers, hands beautiful in capability,
formed in capability,
a touch that evokes safety.

blunt honesty lays all bare
to whim and want laced with personal honor.
words that can break down and build up,
buoy, sink, or destroy.
a caring indifference,
emotionless feeling controlled by logic.
chaotic reason, sensibility
and grounded down-to-earth sense in the sky.

a differing inspires the intimidation.
sweet daunting as I struggle to rise to that level,
delicious, unexpected, laced with a fearful fall upward
into the perfect blue.
and here I wait with slowly melting glass
to taste
(spearmint, drinking chocolate on winter night walks, hints of gin and tonic)
(voice mouth eyes touch presence)
you.